Tuesday, February 6, 2018

"Lover of mine" and other thoughts ~

Lover of Mine~

I wish I was brave, bold and strong enough to face the world holding your hand.
 I wish I could flip my hair sideways and walk courageously through the faded city streets.
 I wish but I am not. I am in no way as strong as you, as bold as you as brave as you and for that my dear lover, you must forgive me.  I know what I said, I remember very well the words that came tumbling out of my mouth, you don’t have to remind me. I could not bear it. I told you I’m not as strong as you. I don’t know how long I can hold the tears back as I stand here.

I know I said I loved you. I know I said I would stay. I know I said we would figure it out together, face the world together, grow old together. I didn’t lie. I am just not as bold as you, or as brave as you.
I know that leaving you will hurt me more, it will hurt me forever. I know that I will think of you tomorrow, next week, two years from now, on my last breath. I know I will put your pictures away neatly in a trunk and cherish them forever. I just can’t stay. I can’t fight the words that will come with you, the people that will walk away. I would not stand the arguments, the long polite discussions, I would always loose, I would always cry and I would resent you. I would resent myself. I would not be strong to withstand the wind blowing in my face. Please forgive me my love, please keep the good times in your heart. The one time I accidently drove across the border and we got lost. Remember how we laughed? And the first time we saw the snow settle across the land, like confectioners’ sugar on a cake? Remember how all words left us at the beauty of that night? Do you remember our first kiss? And our first night? And our first dinner?
I have not forgotten what I promised. I meant every single syllable of every single word. I meant every caress of your porcelain face and ever trace of your gold embroider hair.  I know it is too much to ask, for you not to hate me. I know sometimes you have to, and if you do, if you hate me I will understand. If you decide to throw every gift I gave you in a fire by the beach and drink away the expensive bottle of scotch, I will understand. If you decide tomorrow to find another lover, one that will momentarily fill every inch of the bed. I too will understand and when in time you find the person that will return the smile to your face, I will understand. The sadness will come of course, because I will still love you. I will no doubt have tears in the dark of my eyes; because, I again will not be strong enough to hold them, but I will be happy for you.
Please understand lover of mine, that I was not raised to falter all the principles taught by my generations. I wanted to, I wanted to so much, for you, for us. I thought I could, when I made those promises that now lay broken on the floor to be collected like yesterday’s trash. I wanted to but I could not. I am not brazen and unscathed like you.

I hope you understand my blue-eyed angel that it isn’t you, or this immense love you have made me feel, it is me. I am not as brave, bold or strong as you. I wish I was lover of mine, but I am not.

Old, Dark, Eternal Soul~

I often yearn for places that I have not seen and people I have not met. There are memories I don’t recognize like ghost ships sailing in my mind. I have become enamored of long ago times and epoch stories, as if traces of their truths brought out my past.
Sometimes it hurts the need to miss these places and people and times, like torn out pages of a history book, long lace dresses and wondrous dark nights illuminated only by the halo of a candle and the voice of a lover. It’s overwhelming as if I were the guardian of these memories, the guarding of the feelings humanity begins to forget, and no one my age will ever understand that I feel older than my parents at times.
Old souls people call them, nostalgic and enigmatic; but I don’t think that word describes them well. Perhaps dark souls engulfed by solitude and darkness at times, unable to comprehend why God has chosen them for this royal task. Sad souls often hiding away the pain of loss. The immensity of loosing something they never knew, of chaperoned walks, war sirens and hope. Eternal souls longing for the end to come, for their time to end in this world.

The world is moving to fast for me, my body not recognizing the years that oppress me wallows in self-doubt and I have learned to compromise. Nothing will ever really fill the cavity of heart, because time never reverses and the clocks keep ticking forward. All we have is carefully painted china left over from more formal times and bits of dreams that will someday reconcile into truth. The world is unforgiving and it does not stop for me to scoop the memories out of the water. I have come to learn that the details at times get lost, I can’t remember the color of her jewels but I know that she danced all night, waltzed in a flamboyant dress she held with her left hand. I don’t know who she was, the memories are wisps, like cobwebs sparking after the rain, disintegrating at the first touch. I have learned that I will always long and I will always yearn and I will never feel completely alive in the moment.

Old souls, souls that have evaded the portals of time. You can look into their eyes, pools of hope that pine for old photographs and vintage wines, for stolen looks and poetry written out in cursive. You can look into their eyes and see the quiet desperation seeping from their conscious as they smile and carry on without missing a beat.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

I've tried

I've tried to forget you
believe me I have
on one night stands
and long romances
in a junkies fix
and alcohol induced chances

I've taken the road to nowhere
and boarded flights i can't remember
I've slept away the days
and spent days without sleeping
I've cried my nights to sleep
and I'm done weeping

but I can still remember the smell of your perfume
the silk of your caresses
the sound of the wind as it carried your voice
and the whisper of my heartbreak
as you left me

I've tried to forget you
believe me I have
I've lost myself in Paris
but the grey of it's skies
reminds me of the day we met
and I've walked the olden cities
but their pops of red remind me of your lips
and rain of your diamond blue eyes

I've come to realize
I can't forget you
 I will always love you
because I always have
but sometimes love is not enough

I know your looking out the window of some city
thinking of me too
I know that flower that came yesterday was yours
I know you've tried
like you promised your would
that you've tried to forget me

But I also know you can't

dangerous addiction

Love is a high strung feeling
always humble always willing
to let down it's guard

a mist over the city
a veil over your eyes
a pillow
to muffle the cries

love is a glorious beauty
and beauty is a dangerous addiction
that seldom ends in anything
but heart break
and blood
that taints your soul

it's a warm sensation
like gentle inebriation
that clouds your every thought

Love is words said late into the night
as she walked out the door
and you called her a whore
our of spite and sadness

it's a string of 'i'm sorries'
and rings over a summer breeze
because it's an addiction
like cocaine running through your veins

because your trying to
but never reach
the first high
everyone remembers

love is glorious beauty
and beauty is a dangerous addiction

it's wrong but it's all right
because she's your muse and your her goddess
and it's all madness
love is hope and despair

life's ironic aberration
instilled in sedation
and clear blue eyes

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Like coming home

"it was like coming back
almost like coming back home
but not quite
There were bits and odds missing
here and there
it was exactly how I remembered
the mirror in the living room
and the piece on the mantle
still the same wallpaper in the  game room
and the same stillness of the place
perhaps it was that
that made me so uneasy
that the passing of the years
had seemed to skip this house
I had left and
and I could not fit back into this loophole
only the roses had dwindled down
since my grandmother passed
it was them who felt
the loneliness
them and no one else
no one until me
until I walked in"

No we're not the lucky ones ~

Aren’t you the lucky one?
She asked, truly believing the question was a compliment
Never expecting the outpour that awaited

No I don’t think I am
I don’t think any of us are
We’re the ones that have to live with loss
With that bitter emptiness of loosing someone dear
With disappointments and failures
We’re the ones always trying to make it seem like we’re fine
Because we have to
Because everyone expects us to be stronger than we are
No we’re not the lucky ones
We live with tears brimming on the edge
With broken hearts and lonely nights
We’re the broken ones trying to patch up everything else
We’re the ones that have to continue on whatever legacy we misguidedly believe
We’re the ones fights for every kind of equality, ones we didn’t even know existed, knowing we will never see them until we’re gone
We’re the in between generation, the halfway generation
The one where everything moves so fast and is gone so quickly
That you’re not sure if you’re ahead or behind
We’re the ones with unreachable expectations
That we have set on ourselves
From others
We’re the tired ones, exhausted from all we want and all we do and all we haven’t reached.
But we can’t stop, won’t stop, that’s called quitting
And we don't ever quit
We’re the ones stuck in some sort of fight to break glass ceilings and concrete walls
I’m not sure how it all started and I’m not sure where it will end
No we are not the lucky ones
We’re the ones that dry our own tears
And never let anyone see us cry
Because strong women don’t cry
And we have it all
So everyone can say we’re lucky
But that’s just how myths are created, is it not? 

Friday, December 25, 2015

She's a storm ~

She was a storm
Of quiet waters
And raging winds
Silencing the roaring flames
Putting out the fire

Controlled chaos
Races through her mind
And there is something
About her
That makes you know
She’s going to be great

She’s a stillness
Of the heart
When she puts her hand up
And it means she’s going to speak
There is power
Behind her ‘no’
And it makes perfect sense

She’s thunder in the dark
Raven hair
In a gold lit day
But she’s never afraid
Not in front of anyone

Because a storm is never afraid
Of the sun
That will dry her out
She knows
The clouds will always gather rain
And the storm knows
She will be back