Lover of Mine~
I wish I was brave, bold and strong enough to face the world holding your hand.
I wish I could flip my hair sideways and walk courageously through the faded city streets.
I wish but I am not. I am in no way as strong as you, as bold as you as brave as you and for that my dear lover, you must forgive me. I know what I said, I remember very well the words that came tumbling out of my mouth, you don’t have to remind me. I could not bear it. I told you I’m not as strong as you. I don’t know how long I can hold the tears back as I stand here.
I know I said I loved you. I know I said I would stay. I know I said we would figure it out together, face the world together, grow old together. I didn’t lie. I am just not as bold as you, or as brave as you.
I know that leaving you will hurt me more, it will hurt me forever. I know that I will think of you tomorrow, next week, two years from now, on my last breath. I know I will put your pictures away neatly in a trunk and cherish them forever. I just can’t stay. I can’t fight the words that will come with you, the people that will walk away. I would not stand the arguments, the long polite discussions, I would always loose, I would always cry and I would resent you. I would resent myself. I would not be strong to withstand the wind blowing in my face. Please forgive me my love, please keep the good times in your heart. The one time I accidently drove across the border and we got lost. Remember how we laughed? And the first time we saw the snow settle across the land, like confectioners’ sugar on a cake? Remember how all words left us at the beauty of that night? Do you remember our first kiss? And our first night? And our first dinner?
I have not forgotten what I promised. I meant every single syllable of every single word. I meant every caress of your porcelain face and ever trace of your gold embroider hair. I know it is too much to ask, for you not to hate me. I know sometimes you have to, and if you do, if you hate me I will understand. If you decide to throw every gift I gave you in a fire by the beach and drink away the expensive bottle of scotch, I will understand. If you decide tomorrow to find another lover, one that will momentarily fill every inch of the bed. I too will understand and when in time you find the person that will return the smile to your face, I will understand. The sadness will come of course, because I will still love you. I will no doubt have tears in the dark of my eyes; because, I again will not be strong enough to hold them, but I will be happy for you.
Please understand lover of mine, that I was not raised to falter all the principles taught by my generations. I wanted to, I wanted to so much, for you, for us. I thought I could, when I made those promises that now lay broken on the floor to be collected like yesterday’s trash. I wanted to but I could not. I am not brazen and unscathed like you.
I hope you understand my blue-eyed angel that it isn’t you, or this immense love you have made me feel, it is me. I am not as brave, bold or strong as you. I wish I was lover of mine, but I am not.
Old, Dark, Eternal Soul~
I often yearn for places that I have not seen and people I have not met. There are memories I don’t recognize like ghost ships sailing in my mind. I have become enamored of long ago times and epoch stories, as if traces of their truths brought out my past.
Sometimes it hurts the need to miss these places and people and times, like torn out pages of a history book, long lace dresses and wondrous dark nights illuminated only by the halo of a candle and the voice of a lover. It’s overwhelming as if I were the guardian of these memories, the guarding of the feelings humanity begins to forget, and no one my age will ever understand that I feel older than my parents at times.
Old souls people call them, nostalgic and enigmatic; but I don’t think that word describes them well. Perhaps dark souls engulfed by solitude and darkness at times, unable to comprehend why God has chosen them for this royal task. Sad souls often hiding away the pain of loss. The immensity of loosing something they never knew, of chaperoned walks, war sirens and hope. Eternal souls longing for the end to come, for their time to end in this world.
The world is moving to fast for me, my body not recognizing the years that oppress me wallows in self-doubt and I have learned to compromise. Nothing will ever really fill the cavity of heart, because time never reverses and the clocks keep ticking forward. All we have is carefully painted china left over from more formal times and bits of dreams that will someday reconcile into truth. The world is unforgiving and it does not stop for me to scoop the memories out of the water. I have come to learn that the details at times get lost, I can’t remember the color of her jewels but I know that she danced all night, waltzed in a flamboyant dress she held with her left hand. I don’t know who she was, the memories are wisps, like cobwebs sparking after the rain, disintegrating at the first touch. I have learned that I will always long and I will always yearn and I will never feel completely alive in the moment.
Old souls, souls that have evaded the portals of time. You can look into their eyes, pools of hope that pine for old photographs and vintage wines, for stolen looks and poetry written out in cursive. You can look into their eyes and see the quiet desperation seeping from their conscious as they smile and carry on without missing a beat.