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Monday, December 30, 2013

Expectations

I've seen heaven in your eyes
And I cannot loose salvation
I see the stars
When I close my eyes
And you kiss me
You take my breath away
And I don't need it
Because I love you,
But I can't bring myself to say it
Love is a fluttering thought
Said in a moment of careless emotion
It's as fleeting as the sunset
There is so much expectation
In those three words
That tumble carelessly out of people's mouths so often
I can't expect from you
I could not stand another heartbreak
But then you steal the show
And tell me that you love me
You say the sunset is constant
And again my world is tilted on it's axis
Hope seems all to close
And I've never been so afraid before
Yes, I've seen heaven in your eyes
And redemption when you smile
And all this while
I've been crazy over you
So I say them back
Because the words had been pushing to come out
They had been knocking at my heart
And tugging at my lips
You say you'll never leave
That you've found home in me
That nothing feels safer than me
I believe you
I have to
Because after all these years
I've understood
Love is trust
Blind, everlasting trust


Sunday, December 29, 2013

Kiss

Kiss me
hard and strong
Without a chance for me to breathe
Pull my hips close to yours
Lace your hands behind my back
Kiss me
As I gasp
In an amused smirk
And a deep moan
Breaks the heaving silence
Kiss me
as I weave my hands
In your curls
And run my nails
over your barely clothed back
Kiss me
For a long time
Until I'm dizzy
And murmur your name
Under my breath
Kiss me
and gently bite my lip
Then not so gently
Make me feel
Kiss me
I want you to
I want you
Period
Hold our bodies flush
Satiate the heat
That curses through my veins
When I see your eyes
Lust filled and full of love
Kiss me
Until there is nothing hidden in my soul

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The coming winter night :: quiet conversations of failure and success ...

"You know," she said, "It's not the failure itself that hurts"
There was a long pause, her raven black eyes showed a conflict, she was trying to piece together the perfect words.
I bit my lip, and waited. The soft olive skin wrinkled slightly when she blinked, showing the sings of late youth. The silence held with it endless possibilities to burst or deflate.
"It's not the failure that frustrates me, it's all that failure stops from happening" she finally said, "it's the impossibility of a future that breaks my heart."
"I feel so powerless to capture my dreams, " she paused hand running through her curled locks that matched the darkness of the coming winter night.
"The future I had imagined needs a better present, the family and the home needs success," her words conveyed deep sadness, "to help others I must not fail, but I don't know what else to do."
"You have not failed," I said, feeling the need to comfort like I was taught to comfort. She rolled her eyes and pursed her lips, deep crimson coming together to judge my words.
"The future is not alway meant to look like what we imagined" I smiled reaching out to touch her slim shoulder.
"Don't" she whispered raising her hand and stopping me, "Don't be like everyone else, not you. Don't patronize me, don't try to calm me with senseless words that mean nothing when everything hurts so much." The tears that had started to pool at her eyes seconds ago, fell full force for an instant and then she blinked them away.
"But you are strong" I said.
"Strength means nothing, the brutes at the construction yard are strong won't get them anything in life. Strength falters and disappears, much like beauty," she said.
And I knew she was right, 'you're right' I said.
She turned to me and smiled, finally a smile. Another few lines creased at the corners of her lips, her hand came to find mine and she patted me.
"I won't tell you to try, because you seem to have already. I wont' tell you to chase your dreams because too much chasing is tiring."
"I too have failed,"
"Perhaps that's why we are friends," she smirks
"We're friends?" I question
"Hmm, closest thing I have"
"You have hope, you always have hope, because God is hope. What you choose to do after you fail and before you get that future is up to you" I said growing exasperated of the weary figure by my side. Always the victim, always someone else's fault.
"Go' she orders, royal demeanor in the way she waves me away.
But I don't and the moment's tick away again in silence.
"It hurts so much, it will hurt away when I fail again, when I see my future out of reach again" she finally said, her words so thin an small that they were barely audible.
"I know,"I say and she scoots closer to me.
"But it will be so worth it when you don't, when you succeed, when all those failures give you the ability to savor each and every dream"
She nods and the sobs are loud, she rests her head on my lap, and I soothe her cries. It's soul wrenching, the young woman who is so lost.
"I know" she finally says and it takes me a second to realize she has stopped crying.
And it takes her a moment to realize she had stopped trying.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Story

You're a story
That brushes my lips
And feathers my skin

You're the silence of winter
In a snow storm

Every image of my life
Crosse before me
All the afters
And befores

All the pain that I've endured
And the the tears I have shed
Don't exist
When you're near

You're the magic of childhood
And the gasp of a surprise
That in-adverted  leaves my lips

You're a lustful sensation
In an innocent chuckle against my cheek
When you fall asleep talking to me

And perhaps I don't deserve you
Heaven knows I never would have thought
But you seem content
When I wake up by your side

You're the sun streaming in the morning
And the warmth
Of tight hugs and solemn kisses

You're a story
Greater than I ever could imagine
You're love


Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Life is a Collection of Moments

Life is a series of events pieced together
Odd moments we don’t equate with greatness
They are simply things we have to do
People we have to meet, places we have to go
But that in the end make up the whole of our life
They are the important moments
Life is not a certain finish line
It’s all that we live
Everyday
That good day at work
The barista that always makes you smile
The lady at the store who is always smiling
The man who let you change lanes
It’s that dollar you donate to a homeless man
Or the afternoon you spend shaping snowman cookies with your mom
It’s the vacations taken with friends
The laughs at work
The tears that come unwanted
The stranger that smiles at you
That moment you lost it and threw the brand new French crystal wine glasses across the room
Yes those moments are life’s treasures
Sure it’s the walk at graduation
The bouquet as you get married
The solemn day at the funeral
But in the end those are few and scattered moments
Scattered between fingers like glaciers in the Atlantic
And all the other million moments
Those, those make up life
 

Patience

I have never doubted anything
I never had second thoughts
But then
You came along
And you broke my walls
And you swept me off my feet
I was unsettled, unprepared
And you made me fall
You stole my nights
With breathless kisses
And warm hands
Over my curves
You monopolized me
Every inch
Every hitched breath
And insubordinate thought
And then you took my days
With subtle calls
And awed surprises
That left me wordless
And I doubted
Everything I ever knew
All I had told myself
Doubted happiness at it’s core
I love you
But I can’t bring myself to say it
I don’t get to
What if
What if it goes wrong
What if you leave?
You seem to expect me to reciprocate
The three words
That you whisper constantly
On my bed
In the morning
Over orange juice
And strong dark coffee
And in the middle of my day
In a note
In a smile
In the way you touch me
And the way you keep away
I love you
But I’m deeply afraid
So be patient
Stay with me

Monday, December 23, 2013

Heroes & Broken Truths

I sat there listening to all my friends and classmates give unrealistic descriptions of a hero. They all had actors and storybook heroines. They quoted perfection and nobility, they wanted kindness and valor. I grew weary of all they said, one after the other, like cookie cutter molds. I too had a pre-fabricated answer, something that made me look good, about being inspired by a great noble leader or a fair faced princess but it would have been a lie. So when my turn came and before the dark haired, professor with owl like eyes even said my name I stood up, and blurted out worlds that I had not even realized existed in my subconscious.
 
“ My heroes, I said “ don’t have it all together. They are sometimes villains that have lost their way. They have suffered and angered and inflicted pain. My heroes have hit rock bottom, found themselves drunk in aback alley, throwing up and wishing they could start over. They are imperfect, because they have indulged in darkness and self destruction. They have seen love as a danger, constructed tall strong walls to protect themselves from hurt. My heroes have wept, and screamed and thrown crystal glasses across the room. “
People shifted uncomfortably in their seats, some looked up at me and then away. The professor cleared his through, but said nothing. They all probably thought I had gone mad, but then they would not be far off from the truth.
“They have lived the toughest lives, and in the end have found redemption. My heroes have been strong enough to love again, to believe again, to start over. They have taken someone’s hand with trepidation, they have closed their eyes and accepted a fateful kiss. They have accepted guilt, and stood by to weather the consequences of their actions. They have found the light. They created their own happy endings, their own glories. They helped heal the destruction, they fought to be forgiven. Those are my heroes, the ones that resemble the life I live, the ones that look like the images in my head, the ones that seem ever so real, ever so flawed, ever so broken. My heroes are not perfect, but they give the world hope.”
The second part of my impromptu speech seemed to have them all looking in amazement at me. A slight change in ambient was felt, yet no one was strong enough to nod in agreement.
“thank you, Miss Savier, “ he professor finally cut in, “ that was enlightening”
I sat down, my heart was beating wildly. I didn’t know where the words had come from, I tried to stop them, but they tumbled out, like water from a broken pipe. The came unfiltered, and made me realize that was how I really felt. I hated perfection,.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Unfinished

Yes,
Some things are better left unsaid
Like some days are better left unfinished
Cast away
Cast away before the sun ever sets
Rushed to end
Before the demons come to play
With a glass of whiskey
And a stray of pills
Meant to end nothing short of physical pain
For you see nothing hurts
Slowly and with the wine
The body stands to give in
Sleep may overcome
The trapped despair
And for the remainder of today
At least
We have won
The thoughts have gone away
The mind is blurry
The lights are hazy
And there is deep inside
Some peace in what is left unsaid
Yes
I know
Tomorrow
The nightmares come again
I know the pain
In only numbed away
With whatever is unfinished of the day
But you see
I don’t care
Because
Some things are better left unsaid
Like sine days are better left unfinished

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Love

It's like a bright green morning
In early Spring

Like an evening in the city
New York City

It's like a free trip to Paris
In the dead of winter

That's what it feels like
When you look at me

Like coming home
After exile

Like breathing easy
After being underwater

It's like Christmas
In the snow

Like organ music
In a large dark church

Too much for words
And too simple for silence

I never know how to answer
Or where to look

Because all I ever want to say
Is that I love you

That I love you, love you
And I choose us

Against war and peace
Because you feel like forgiveness

You feel like ointment
After a fresh cut

I never know where I stand
I'm extremely insecure


But you are like confidence
Like a magic mirror on the wall

And I love you
Because there is nothing else for me.

Expensive

Dark and crimson red
On perfect olive skin

Like the wine that taints her lips
Bitter and dark red

A painful secret
A deadly sin

Dried and pooled 
At the end of thin lines

Paradox pain
Of a broken soul

Blood of a broken heart
Only the lucky see

To taste the pain on her lips
Alcohol and cherry

Expensive lady
Luxury perfume

Lies upon lies 
Like the smile that form on her face

Soft and flush
The covered scars 

It never stops
But when did it start?

Relapse
When does it spiral down?

Tomorrow will be another day



Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Addicting

Emotion was ripping  at the seams
And unraveled from its core
It came undone bit by piece
And hiding it was no longer an option

It exploded and imploded
Ignited from a single spark
It was fantasy and reality
Meeting at the center

It was magic
The melding of two opposites
You were light
And I was darkness

I was falling abyss
Black wings and  no salvation
But you were the savior
And that was your mission in life

You were perfection created
Glass knight
And ancient sword
Used to cut open the night

Emotion was burning like a fire
Roaring in the darkness
Casting shadows and catching flames
From all our failures

We were destiny
Meant to be
I don't want to
But you insist

And it's fascinating
The rhythm of your dreams
The feeling of salvation
Coated in a kiss

It's addicting
Caffeine and caramel candy
Spiked with hopes
And heated nights

I want you all
Every inch
And every thought
And every touch

It turns out the light is addicting
Emotion tugging at my tears
Cursing through my veins
Stalling in my blood

But I'm addicting too
The taste of sin and redemption
Mixed together
Like old French wine

It's raw and exposed
The flesh of my heart
But I trust you with it
And you never disappoint



Monday, December 16, 2013

Hope

Hope spilled from her smile
Like sunlight spills from the sky
It sparkled in her eyes
Diamonds twinkling against raven black
She wrung her fingers
And twisted her hands to hide the nerves
That ravaged her
This was it
The catalytic moment
The words that she would speak next
Had the power to give her happiness
But they could also break her heart
And she was over broken hearts
They hurt too much
Lasted too long
And she had lived with them
More than needed be
So she drew it out
The moment that allowed her to dream
To linger in laughter and proximity
In lighthearted pasta dinners and tight banter
'I love you' someone suddenly said
Before she can open her mouth
And something warm spills from her eyes
Joy and tears
And sweet lips
That are now hers
Happy endings and ice cream
"I love you too'

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Tragic ::

She is beautiful
In a tragic sort of way
She's  beautiful
But she's  bleeding
Blood receding from her wrists
She looked at me
Large eyes
Darker than December nights
She's  beautiful
Like fresh snow on the ground
Like the silence of a graveyard
Like the calm after a storm
She's beautiful like shards of glass
That glitter in the sunlight
And send sparks along the way
She's beautiful
But she's broken
And I don't think she
Wants to be pieced together
She's beautiful
Like dry laughs
And twisted thoughts
And I want her to love me
But I don't think she can
So I settle just to hold me
And call out my name at night
I settle for her hair
sprawled on my bed
She's beautiful
Like the fog that hangs in London
Like the crown
Of Queens overthrown
And I love her
But I only tell her when she's fast asleep
Because she's beautiful
In a tragic sort of way

Friday, December 13, 2013

Grand Mère

Elle m'appelait 
Ma petite
Ma petite Reigne

Fall asleep with the tree on
Turn the lights on
And the music down

Just a hum
In my darkness
Someone singing 
Of gifts and home

Keep your head up
Little Queen
Better days
 are coming

Elle m'appelait 
Ma petite
Ma petite Reigne

Hang the tinsel
And the snowglobe
That she bought

The one that plays
Christmas music
Withoutend

Elle m'appelait 
Ma petite
Ma petite Reigne

Keep your head up
Little Queen
Better days 
are coming



Thursday, December 12, 2013

Beautiful

It's a tragedy we all look for
The need to fail
Again and again

We seek out the storm
To get caught in the rain
With no coat or umbrella

It's a melodrama
A broken cup
A fallen bookshelf

We are broken people
Tear stained souls
Looking for the next tragedy

Because

It hurts
It's painful
Earth shattering
And quite traumatic

This bitter life

But when the tragedy
Has a solution
And we succeed

When a hand raises us
From the storm
And dries our hair

When the nostalgia
Becomes a hug
A new glass
A world of forgiveness

It's so beautiful
That it calms our spirit
And tames our fears

We can almost see God
And even if just for a moment
We know our reason for life

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Storm

She came unannounced
Out of the blizzard in the snow
Came barging in
Breaking all the walls
That had taken so long to build

I was simply
Trying to be nice
Deep breath
And saving a soul
From the storm

But the days turned into moments
The moments into weeks
And I knew I could never let go
But she wasn't mine to keep
And I wasn't hers to take

So the weeks became months
And winter grew into spring
She changed me
The loneliness
Was basked in sarcasm
And shared stories

I bared my soul
Every dark secret
And bad dream that kept me awake
And she told me desperate hopes
And all she had been through

And the months became years
And she drew a ring on my finger
And we proposed on a beach
And the years became a family

A welcomed surprise
She was
The angel from the storm
I guess she was
After all
Mine to keep

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Sharing

Sharing, my darling, is caring
So share with me

Share that sense of daring
When we look across the room

Share the night
In all its darkness and its glory

Share the whisper of your breath
Across the olive of my skin

Share the years that will come by
When time decides to move on

Share the feather kisses
On the blood tint of my lips

Share it all
With me

Sharing is caring, so they say
So share, my darling, with me the day

The heat of sunshine
And the splash of fear

Share the bad decisions
And the evil that may come

Share redemption
Found in between sheets

And tumultuous tears
When I realize love is true

Share with me the patience
That comes with being you

For I'm not all that keen
To let my hurt be seen

Sharing, my darling, is caring
So share with me

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Victory

Today was long
And oh so very tiring
My eyes sting from crying
And my heart feels like it's dying
I was mean
And I said hurtful things
Masked by truth
And self-defense
Aided by depression
And a string of excuses
That all end with broken tea cups
And splattered tears
There is no door slamming
But I hear a music box somewhere
And all this will be used in judgement day someday
The plans scatter like birds often do
Cancelled away like rain checks with no date
Tomorrow perhaps
Tomorrow will be a better day we say
As we reconcile the day
And clean out the blood
Caused by a porcelain fragment
Pressed too hard against soft skin
Don't you worry
Little princess
God is here too
And we make it to church
In silence and awkward words
Today was long
An unexpected fall
But perhaps the victory lies
In getting up
In knowing we are not alone at all

Recovery ~



"I tied a red string around my finger
so I wouldn't forget the important things:
to swallow my pills in the morning
to call my mother every night
and not about the emptiness that rippled
through me on Tuesday night.
To turn in my paper on time
12 font, double spaced
Times New Roman
no sarcasm, the professor hates that;
to talk to the girl in the library
with only sarcasm she prefers that.
To stop taking medicine with vodka,
it only makes it worse
to waltz into work
with bright eyes and no sign
that I thought of twenty-six
ways to die the night before.
and my red string grew tighter,
weighted with the routines and rules
that I had carved into stone,
and I never realized that I had forgotten
the most important thing
what it meant to be alive."

Credit of this poem is to: miss_xenglishrose on instagram.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Christmas

You make me smile
Like sparkling Christmas lights
Make me smile

An honest to God smile
That creases the lips
And softens the eyes


Like bubbling champagne
Being over poured
In a festive holiday

Yes, you make smile
Like snowflakes 
Make me smile

The deep, sad kind of smile
So precious and beautiful
It's nostalgic

You make me smile
Like the smell of pinewood 
And cinnamon apples

Only you
Make me smile
Like Christmas 

Makes me smile







Friday, December 6, 2013

Want

I want you to want me
As much as I want you
I want you to touch me, see me
For more than you've been lead to believe

I want to fill every crevice of your world
Every dream you've ever had
I want to culminate with me
I want to be your good and bad

I want you to need me
Just like I need you to live
Like the earth needs wind and fire
And interlacing rivers to weave

I want you
To want me

I want you, to want me
Because, I cannot want alone
It's considered avarice
To want so much

And yet, I want it all
All of you
Every tear and every fall
Every thought and every feeling

I'll be the passionate, obsessive
The lover that doesn't let go
I want you so much, oppressive
This belief that love will leave

I want you
To love me

I want you, to love me
Because it would seem
That is all want sees
Love, Tragedy and Routine

I want you to want want me
As much as I want you
Because you see
I cannot want alone




Thursday, December 5, 2013

Breath

I'm guilty
I take it for granted
The big things
Elegant fancy dinner dates
And expensive jewelry

I like them
But they don't take my breath away
Because I revel
In the small things
In the brightness of his smile
The whisper of his kisses
The rhythm of his breath

Those are the things I cherish
The glitter in his eyes
The breaking of his voice
When insecurity sets in
The confessions that he makes
When he thinks I'm asleep
The music of his breath

The way it hitches when we touch
The silence as he holds it in
And hours after we've gone asleep
I lay awake
Listening to him breathe
Outlining his shadow in the darkness

I revel in the small things
They are the ones that mean the most

Truth

Life is web of lies
Where the truth won't always set you free
It is a double sided sword
In a raging war of worlds
Where peace is not
What we've been told
It's a truce, a compromise
In roaring fires 
Of mistrust

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Finished Lines



[favorite lines from the last chapter of a novel I wrote somewhere along the way]



"We all developed a habit of sitting by the fire with chamomile tea and butter biscuits at night.
Yet as simple as life seemed not even the lazy California waves could wash away the history of our family."

"I have wanted you since before I knew it. You came to fill an emptiness I didn’t know existed. …"

"People came to the store nonetheless and I loved when people were enthralled by it all. Mother came too, all too often for how much she hated it, she’d come and sit with me for hours, sipping tea and looking over each piece. I knew that deep inside she missed it all, the magic, her home, the family she had lost and the family she had gained. A piece of her would always be missing."

"We were not normal by any measure. We had a dark and twisted past, a broken pact with the devil and a renewed bow with God. We were powerful but choose to forgo whatever came with it. All we wanted was us. We wanted to be together, to live together to share our successes and our milestones, we wanted freedom"

"Perhaps all that silly prophecy was just leading us to this, she was our saving grace and we, we were hers."