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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Always

I don't make promises now a days
I don't say things that I don't mean
It's unfair to people
It would seem

I don't have need for hollow promises
I don't intent to keep
Or fitful praises
Spilling with lies

So, I often say the truth
And here is my truth to you:

I will always love you
Every smile, every word, every moment
You shall have my every breathing second
Because I will always need you
Like the Earth needs the sun to survive

And I shall always want you
With this uncontrolled lustful desire
Because I want to paint my kisses on your skin
I want to bury my fears in your flesh
I want to intertwine with you
To gasp, to feel
I want you to say my name
In syllables

I will always want your
Hands upon my curves
Your lips upon my own
Your dreams on my pillow

And I shall never leave you
Because you hold my hopes
You give them wings and send them flying
You ignite my nights
My days, my every moment

Whether you near or far away
You fill my mind
You're in my blood
You're cursing through my body

And I shall always want you
Your mind
Your soul
Your body

And shall you ever leave me
I don't know
What I
Would do

I know that truths are overbearing
But, I'm never afraid to overbear you
Because I know you feel the same
In the desperate way you grab my hands
And make promise that I'll never leave
I know you feel the same in the way you come undone
In the the way you look at me, and hold me tight

I shall always want you
Want you to know
Every second of the day
That I will always love you
Until the end of time

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Grey

She's beautiful
Like a ray of moonlight
In a timid night
I'm sure many have told her so before

But, I can see
She's beautiful inside
Like a cave of wonders
Hiding away
Yet, she doesn't see it
She's learned that people don't forgive her past

Because she's terrible too
Like an army raging through
An open attack
Like a fire blazing
Through a forest evergreen
Unstoppable

She's both
Because the world is never only black
And it's rarely only ever white
And if ever there was a definition of grey
It's her

She's beautiful
In the way she shies away
When someone tries to thank her
And in the way she casts down her eyes
To hide the sting of rejection

She's wonderful
In the way she loves
So deeply
And holds on dearly
Protecting fiercely those she loves

But it makes her terrible
In the way she seeks revenge
When some hurts them
And the way she fights back
Without regard to
Protect herself from heartbreak

And it's so hard for people
To understand, she's both
But, I've managed to make her see
That in my arms she's always safe

And around me she's become
The kindest soul
A gentles caress
Like a lost child seeking hope

And I've managed to convince her
That I'll always love her
That I'll always want her to stay with me
All of her
The beautiful, wonderful, sunlight parts
And the terribly dark shadows of her heart

And that has been
Enough atonement
And it doesn't matter what the world thinks of her
Because she has me
And I think she's beautiful

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The birds by the ocean ::

The birds by the ocean look blissfully lost

They fly out in circles with nowhere to go

And everything to see

And then we realize time is a cruel joke

Believing that it will heal the hurt

We let it pass over us like a wave

And if we're not careful

Instead of fixing it will break us apart

The birds by the ocean are shadows at dusk

Stark visions against the crimson streaked sky

And I have never seen anything so beautiful

Even though I see it everyday

The beauty of waiting

Is a fatales illusion

Life is too short to wait

And too long to wait

And too complicated to believe

That the birds by the ocean are anything but happy

Nostalgic swallows

That only replay

A childhood song or misery and loss

And broken beauty

That is so wonderful and so terrible

And life is never black or white

The shades of grey cannot define us

And someday we shall find us

And someday we'll understand

And someday may be too late

To get all those days back

All that time wasted watching birds by the sea



Monday, January 27, 2014

Marry Me

We've come a long way
It's been a rough ride
Wouldn't you say?

We are no longer the wide-eyed dreamers
Children believers
That we could do anything

It seems like yesterday
We'd waste time by the bay
Planning out the future
That has gone astray

But at least you've had me
And at least I've had you
And I wouldn't take that back
For the world

We've come a long way
You and I
We are nowhere near
Where we'd say we'd be by now

Darling, it's crazy
The years we imagined
Have re-imagined us

And it's heartbreaking
That the world was not ours for the taking
Like everyone said it would

But at least you've had me
And at least I've had you
And that has made it all worth while

We've come a along way
And I'm ready to finish the journey with you
Marry me darling
Let's believe in love

We're wise enough to know
That wishes made on falling starts
And spring daffodils are just fairy tales
But I give you my world

That I'll never leave you alone
I'll stand with you when the sun is brightly shinning
And when the storm is a brewing

And if all hell is a coming
At least you'll have me
And at least I'll have you
And that's always been enough for me

Don't you agree?

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Children of the Night ::

Soon the night comes calling for her children
Demanding what is rightfully hers
She has nurtured them between her mantle
Forged them from the hands of death

Tonight she calls in silence
They know they must answer mother
With love and sacrifice
And let the drops of blood seep into the land

Fair skinned children
Who never see the light of day
Come out of their castles to play
Condemned souls of creation

Without fault of their own
Must answer forth the calling
Of the night and the moon
Who gave them immortality

Against or with consent
Beautiful red eyed darlings
As long as the night herself
Soon the night comes calling for her children

Caressing their fragile cheeks
She gives them the gift of darkness
Until the sun overpowers his mistress
And decides to reclaim all that is good

Friday, January 24, 2014

Champagne ::

You taste expensive 

Like scotch and champagne

The faint scent of Chanel no. 5 

Lingers as I lace my fingers in your hair

You taste like perfection 

As my lips trace your skin

You are like sin, wrapped in a gift

And the world outside does not exist

I'm afraid to end this moment

Afraid that come morning your walls will slam in place

And I'm afraid that I have nothing to offer

No expensive taste to match you

But, your eyes are soft when morning dawns

And you make me swear I'll never leave

My heart skips a beat

A timid flutter of hope

I promise that I'll always be by your side

Even when you send me away

And in between clasped hands and egyptian sheets

You whisper, 'marry me'

And it's the most perfect proposal anyone can have

You taste decadent like dark chocolate and velvet red

A dangerous combination 

And I'm afraid I won't be enough

But, you look at me waiting for an answer

All hope riding on one word

And I say 'yes'

Without thinking, because I don't need thoughts to know I love you




Monday, January 20, 2014

Poverty in SoCal :: Leading by example

I think that Souther California is miles away from the reality of the world. It's almost like a secure little bubble where all the roads are shiny black, where the beach is our back yard and we have never experienced harsh winters. We have no idea what the loss of crops is and there is a vague awareness of where our food comes from. We are surrounded by the fake illusion of glamour, we grew up seeing movie starts and storybook princesses walking about. We have never lived stark poverty or rabid hunger. We have no idea what a hard life is.

We take our hand to our lips and gasp when there is a tragedy across the globe, we champion causes on facebook and donate money to some charity. I am guilty of it all too, of feeling sorry and wanting to do more but never doing it. We go on in our optimistic little lives, pretending that our small hardships are huge tragedies. We complain about the price of gas, of not being able to attend this show or that party of not owning the new spring collection. Of course many of us struggle, I don't intend to deny it, but at the end of the day we all fall asleep in a warm bed, in beautiful weather, with five electronic devices around us and food in the cupboards.

We don't know what it is to live with fear of not having food tomorrow.

Beginnings

Where do I begin?

To undo the hurt that I have  caused ...

To heal the pain that I've inflicted

And what do I do?

With the actions that cannot be undone

And the words that cannot be unspoken?

Where do I begin?

If sorry is not enough

And they'll always hold my past

As the standard for redemption?

Where do I begin?

To show them  I have changed

That I need them to believe

I can change who I was

And what do I do?

With the feelings that cannot be reversed

And the memories that always will haunt us

Where do I begin?

To end

The cycle I created

The hate that has consumed us

And what do I do?

When they accept?

How do I forgive myself?

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Disneyland and a few dreams :: What is the real magic?

Things at first glance always seem simpler than they are. So, to say that there is a certain magic at Disneyland would be cliche and oh so very worn out. Of course there is a feeling of magic, it is what the whole Disney empire is built on, magic and pixie dust. Yet, to me the magic goes even deeper than floating music and vintage carousels, it is more than walking love stories, Princesses of distant lands and their treacherous villains hell bent on truncating the happy ending. The magic is more complex than cotton candy and fair rides.
It is so much more than wonderstruck children when they see for the first time that fairy-tales  at least for the day are real, and the are swooped in the arms of real life talking mouses and crowned kings.
The magic has in fact more to do with the creator of Disneyland than with the park itself. But not simply because it means a dream come to life, it means more than a 'if you dream it you can do it' attitude. The magic of Disneyland to me is the magic of faith. The magic of being strong in the face of adversity, of starting out of nowhere and blindly trusting that somehow, somewhere it will all work out. It is the magic of knowing you can create a dream, that you can redeem your past, in the future. To me the magic that interlaces with fireworks and upbeat tunes to represent hope. Perhaps that is why I love going there so much, because I can marvel at the process of triumph, at how he never let go of his creation, and I agree that the characters a writer, or an illustrator, at some point become part of who we are, we love them, like a mother loves his child, they are family.  And that, along with a few good churros and a ride on 'it's a small world' is the shortly explained and oversimplified magic of Disneyland.

Maybe I should write a research paper on this ... or a blog.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Beloved

You're certainly not what I imagined

You're not what I pictured when I was five

And I don't know if I'm glad or disappointed

I don't know if you missed or exceeded all  my expectations

You're not how I pictured the future

Yet, somehow it doesn't matter

None of it matters, when I'm in your arms

There is a rare calm in being with you

A peace I hadn't experienced in a long time

You make me smile

Like I hadn't smiled for a while

You brush away my insecurities, like they were nothing

And I'm afraid

Afraid that all this is a strange dream

A hopeful fabrication of my mind

Because I'm not quite sure if you're perfect or imperfect

Nothing could have prepared me for you

You took my life by storm

Never asking for permission

Never needing it, because I would have granted you anything

Anything at all

So, you see

My beloved

You changed me

In every way, and I never though I'd say it back to someone

I love you

I love you more than life itself



Because I want to :: Woman and culture

People always ask me one thing, the same thing in various shades.
They ask me why I'm not married? Why don't I have a significant other? Why don't I have kids?
You're old enough they say ... I look at them, smile and shrug.

The answer that always runs through my mind is ... I don't know.

I just don't.

I would like to say that it's because I'm selective, I'm an introvert with very high standards. I've put other things above finding love. I'm guarded with who I let in.

I would even go as far as saying I'm expensive and I expect a lot from the person I ultimately choose.

I almost believe all those answers and to a degree they can be true; however, we all know that's not true. That destiny has a way of fooling all and each standard and plan we have. That whatever is meant to be is meant to be. If fate would have decided I find the right person in the very wrong one then it would have been so.

People also ask why I wear a ring on my left hand. They go through the list of possibilities, are you married? Engaged? Promise ring?
I shake my head, once, twice, thrice.

The answer ? Because I want to. Because I believe a ring is simply a symbol upon which we have bestowed power to dictate our status.

So, you see there are no simple answers. There are answers that need explanations, there are answers with back stories, there are exasperated answers. And as woman we always endure a double standard even though society says we don't.

And why people keep on asking .. .well I just don't know.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Blood

Blood splattered on the marble
There was silence
As thoughts raced through my mind
It was bright red
Unforgiving
But I was willing to overlook

Easy lie
Covered with excuses
And a good piece of cake
To make the taste go away
It's okay now
It's all I've had today

It's okay right?
It won't hurt anymore
In the darkness
Of subtle youth
And control spinning from our hands
It's only a piece of bread

Blood coming out in gusts
Fear of what it may all mean
But this was all so much stronger
I'm willing to overlook

How true
That wisdom is a gift
How great
That someone saved me from it all
The years have been kind to me
But the memories of red resting upon white
Of blood that was mine
Still haunt me from time to time

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Magic

She was magic
In the way she entered a room
There was something about her
Light that traveled from black to white

She was magic
But not in the pixie dust and smoke sort of way
She was magic
Because she had been broken
Beaten down to the ground
She had cried a million tears
And felt the searing pain
Of being stabbed by hope

But she had gotten up
Stood her grown
Turned her life around
She had a quote for every moment of despair
There was a flame in her eyes
An a smile wrapped in a tragedy
That kept her going on

She was magic
Because she had survived
And changed
And thrived
And dared to help
To share the magic

She was magic
Glamour and shine
The way she spoke
And what she didn't say

She was magic
The kind of magic
That disappears and transports
Spells and potions and magic curses
Because she had known the lowest point
And had rebuilt her dreams
With only just her will

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

London 1925

I'm going to move to London
And have my children call me 'mamma'
I'm going to search
Search every nook and cranny
To find a loophole in time

I'm going to travel back
To a time of tiresome trains
Long and languid
As steam rolled out
And we thought the world was ours

I'm going to dress in dresses to long to be seen now
With waves upon my head
And necklaces made of pearls
I'm going to dress for dinner
In my best
Back when it was a grand affair
All the time

I'm going to live in a time
When the Earth was simpler
Learning to live wild
And innovation a concept of awe
When fairy tales where still plausible
And a smile between two lovers
Was a wisp of an affair

I'm going to move to London
And take the three o'clock train to Paris
Travel across water
And make the days last way to long
In a time of top hats and satin gloves
When too much was not enough
And lovers never loved aloud

I'm going to teach my children
That a promise is made before any vow
That tradition is our guidance
And I'm going to bid goodbye
To this senseless world of today

Because with all we have
And all we have yet to have
We are still not good enough
As the world of yesterday
And I must belong there
In another time
In another world
In another hope

But that is not quite possible they say
And though I mustn't
I believe
They might be right
I might be wrong
And then again I might be simply lost
And I might belong in London 1925


Home

When the silence cuts the night
I love you
And I'm ever so afraid that come morn
you'll walk away
Out with the sunlight
you can see all my flaws
Heavy mistakes that burden on my shoulder
Scars of youth
That don't fade away when one gets older
And memories that haunt me
The follow me around
Like shadows
Silent film without a sound
And the truth is my dear
I've not nothing to offer you
But this guarded fear
That you're going to leave me
But I say nothing when the sunlight streams your face
And you stir to wake
Because you are my safe place
Right before you leave
And in the sunset when you come back
Tired from the world
And want me to wrap you in my arms
It means the world when you say
You want to stay forever this way
And all the words evade me
You ask my why I cry
And I say you make me happy
And this is how I want to die

You make me ever so happy
More so than anyone has ever done
You make me happy

When I'm with you I've found home

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Just a few New Year thoughts ::






Hate :: & :: Love

I have been there
At the edge of hate
Where it tests the limits
And becomes love

I have never been so afraid of loss
As I was that day
I could not do it
I was not strong enough
When I pushed away
That blinding feeling
That causes so much pain

In my hate there was nothing to fear
All alone I felt safe and sound
My mask rebuilt on the ground
And inside my walls I was content

Yes, I felt searing pain
And a broken heart
When I saw tears fall from her face
But I walked away
Schooled my features and let her stay
The darkens would protect me
From the hurt

The line tore and broke off at odd places
Then it snapped back into place
When I said no
The pressing pain
Constricting my breath
The inching angst
Over the love I started to feel
Went away
And I was not afraid anymore


In my hate there was nothing to fear
All alone I felt safe and sound
My mask rebuilt on the ground
And inside my walls I was content



Saturday, January 4, 2014

Judgement


Before you judge
Remember we are all 
Trying the best we can
We are all lost souls
Trying to survive
In dirty ghettos and posh streets
We all bleed the same blood
We all cry the same tears
At the end we all wonder the same
How will we put our kids through school?

We are all doing what we can
Whether it's too much or not enough
We all fight an internal battle
The other knows nothing off

Before you judge 
Remember we are all 
Hopeless dreamers when we are born
We think the world is ours to own
We are all collectors of memories
Figments of our imagination
Lovers of hope
And givers of love
We are all trying the best we can
Just trying to survive

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Lovely

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If I could make you love me?
If you were mine
I'd make you see

I would do
Anything for you

That I lay awake
Thinking of your face
Wouldn't it be lovely
If I could close the space

Between you an me
If I was brave enough to hold your hand
Wouldn't it be grand
If you agreed, to walk on the sand

It would be more than a night
Don't you understand
For you I'd weather any fight
Whatever it may be

I don't do affairs, never been the type
I want compromise, I'm willing to wait
I want to keep you always
I'm putting it on fate

Wouldn't it be lovely
If you loved me
Like I love you?

But I can't force you
No sense of commitment
Will ever do
No debts to be re-paid

But would't it be grand
If I could make you mine
Tonight?
Then the world would be just fine.