Friday, October 24, 2014

Strangely Free ::

I called her
Because I had no one else to call
She answered before the second ring
She was anxious
I never called so late
In fact I never called

“Come meet me” I asked
But the despair in my voice demanded
“Ill be right over” she said
No questions asked
She held me, when she arrived
Wrapped her arms around me
And hushed my sobs in an empty hospital hall
“I’m here” she said
And her long brown hair fell onto my face

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, “sorry about this morning”
She shook her head
“I’m sorry I told you I didn’t want to see you again”
“I forgot about it already” she smiled
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love her
If I said I hadn’t fallen in love with her hazel eyes and her pale skin
“have you eaten?” she said worried
I shook my head
She dragged me along to a random 24 hr joint
“I’m leaving” she blurter and she could not have picked a worse moment
“Out of town, getting a place two hours from here”
I nodded, “for the better”
“You can come visit””
“I’d rather not’ I said drinking the coffee laden with cream
“Perhaps I should have said this sooner, perhaps I should not say it at all,” she whispered.
I looked up, looked up at the fine lines by her lips, and the  few strands that stood out of her ember hair, lighter, wanting to be grey. I waited.
“When all this started I liked you, I liked you a lot, but you were just a game. I never would have guessed it would turn into this, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you. Come with me, say yes and I’ll fix everything so we can be together”
Her words were healing, in a moment of uncertainty. I shook my head, “you mean you’ll leave him?”
She reached across the table to grab my black hair, “Yes”
“You know I can’t” I answered, “ I would not be completely happy and I would not make you happy”
“you can’t make a family with your family, I’m offering you a future, us, home, kids, a picket fence by the beach,” there was a vulnerability I had never seen on her.
“I would be lying if I said I didn’t love you” I started confessing for the first time in two years what I had always felt.
“But not enough?” she offered a sad smile.
“I love you enough, I can see myself with you. I can see us together for years to come. I can see this overly romantic scenario become real; however, my family means the world to me. Telling them the truth would break my mother’s heart, she would die”
“I understand” she said, “but remember I’ll always be there if you need anything”
I didn’t answer, instead I leaned in across the cheap Formica booth and kissed her.
She took me back to the hospital and left, because someone was waiting for her at home, that someone she would have to spend her days with now.
I waited for the doctor to arrive, mom was doing better. I sat alone in the chair, the coffee cup she had bought me still in my hands and I cried. I cried because I had let love walk away and yet I felt strangely free. 

Saturday, October 18, 2014


"Promise me,"  she said. The old woman in a hospital bed. Soft plied hand, grasping on to younger ones. Pleading eyes that once were brown, faded by the sting of time and blurred by the tint of tears.
"That I leave a legacy with you.
That you'll utter my name
So that I never die
Promise me
You'll be all I ever taught you
That you'll fight relentlessly
So that my life was worth it" she paused sensing an interruption, by the young daughter of her daughter standing on her side. She lifted her hands, barely moving an inch from the bed. Trying to smile in the haze of thoughts and signaling for silence. The young woman complies, knowing if not accepting that time is short.

"Promise me
You won't mourn my departure
But you'll celebrate
The memories we shared

Promise me
That you'll be happy
Like the happy girl
I raised you to be

Promise me
That you'll be faithful
And you'll trust
That God has it all under control

Promise me
That you'll remember
All these promises
You make today," mustering all her strength the old woman wipes away the tears staining firm cheeks in a face she once cradled.

"Promise me you'll never leave me" the young woman asks in turn for so many promises made.
"I promise my dear"
And they both know that it's true and it's a lie. That she's going to leave soon, very soon. The maker calls her home, and yet she'll never leave. There will always be a portrait of her dark curls and mystic smile. There will always be a memory to share with a stranger, and there will always be a poem to write about the woman who raised her to be, who she was today.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Victory ::

There are victories that don't feel like victories
You've won
But we were never meant to play

The truth is
At the end of the day
You're sitting alone
Glass of whiskey in your hand

Unsure of where you'll stand
Once you find the courage to get up
To question all you've compromised today

To save
What needed saving
Because it needed to be done

But at the end of the day
It sounds
Like you're heart is broken

It sounds like the victory
Is a sense of failing
A weak trial of triumph
In a race without rules

And for tonight you're tired
Too tired to think
Of anything but the
Whiskey in your hand

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Blue ::

I'm going to paint my life in blue
Like the rain that surrounds me
Because it's going to drown me
In a shallow pool of pain

I'm going to paint my life in blue
Like the silence of a snowflake
Upon a child's hand
LIke the loudness of the ocean
Crashing upon the sand

Like the clouds of my past
Dilly Dallying at last
Like the storms brewing in the distance
Of my future with you

I'm going to paint my life in blue
Like the tears that fall unwanted
From my blue eyes haunted
By your absence

Like the sparkling dress you wore
The first time we met
Like my heart will look when you press
Love out of it

I'm going to paint my life in blue
Like heaven should be
Because it's the only thing I want to see
When I'm done

Painting my life in blue